So I'm one of those people right now that is looking for answers to life about anywhere I can look...on of my favorite things to look at right now is my horoscope. I know it may sound funny but alot of the times there seems to be something very true about them. Today, my facebook fortune cookie said "Love is for the Lucky and the Brave" this got me thinking, maybe that is why I'm having such a hard time figuring out what I want in life. Not so much the lucky part, but the brave part. Maybe I'm having a hard time making decisions because I'm not brave. Maybe I'm having trouble truely letting my self Love because I'm scared because I'm not being brave. Maybe my life has turned out the way it has because I have never really been brave...espically when it comes to doing things for myself.
I have gone over and over everything that is going on in my life, what I want in life and what it will take to get that, but yet I have done nothing about it. Now I'm realizing that maybe I haven't done anything about it because I'm not brave enough to do so. I'm not brave enough to do what I need to do to make myself happy, because I know, that that means hurting someone else. I know that that means changing someone else's life. I also know that that means taking a leap of faith into the unknown....and those things take alot of strength!!
So from now on, instead of recapping why things are the way they are, I am going to focus on finding the strength within myself to do what will make me happy. I deserve to be happy and if that means taking a leap of faith into the unknown, than I better find the strength to do so.
Ethan First Christmas 2009
This is one of my Favorite pictures of us!
About Me
- Jellybean_23
- So I decided I needed a place to vent! A place where noone else could read what I had to say minus those I don't know and those I allow to read about my life. A place where I could be honest with myself and say whatever I wanted to say. Sooooo with that I decided to start this blog after reading a friends blog. I plan to use it as a sanity saver, because truthfully if I don't I think I will truley loose my sanity. These will be all about my life, the good and the not so good. So read if you like, comment if you like, whatever, I don't do it for others I do it for me and me alone!
so then did you decide that you and billy are done? did you ever have that talk with him that you and I had talked about last week? have you talked to brandon about it, because he does have a girlfriend...?
ReplyDeleteI don't know what I have decided, there is that part of me like I have said before that just want's to be done, but than there is that part of me that want's to make my marriage work. However, I kinda feel like I more want to make my marriage work because thats how life SHOULD be a marriage is suppose to be for better or worse, thru thick and thin till death due us part. I feel like I more want to make my marriage work so I don't feel like I have failed at one of the biggest things in my life. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I'm not really wanting my marriage to work for the correct reasons. What I do know is that I hate the idea of hurting Billy, I hate the idea of feeling like I'm always going to wonder "what if", I hate the fact that when I look at other couples who have been married for years I don't see Billy and I doing the same thing. I haven't had that talk with Billy yet that you talked about because I'm not sure I want to. I don't want to give him anymore idea that I really do want our marriage to work if I'm not even sure thats what I want. I seriously wish that someone else could just deal with this for me because I hate it all!!!
ReplyDeleteso reading the first part of that reply you really sound like you want to make your marriage work. so then in the 2nd half you kinda sound like you're giving up and not willing to try. so i guess what you need to do, is maybe have a talk with billy, he's even told you that he's not happy either. so sit down, tell each other what you need to be happy and just give it a try. w/o brandon in the picture...your mind etc. no marriage is perfect and without trials and really tough decisions, i think you're thinking of a movie really. but right now, what you guys are facing is a very pivitol decision. it is one that i would not make lightly by any means. you are no longer just YOU, you are YOU and ETHAN. and billy...you know i'm gonna be there for you but i just wouldn't feel right if i didn't tell you how i truly feel about this all. i don't want you to rush into a gut decision and then regret it, cus now it'll hurt ethan. not just you. sure ethan may be happy living with mommy and biological daddy, but every family is blended now. billy even though he's dealing with this the wrong way is still there. even though it's late, he still comes home to you. he still plays with ethan. HE'S there. so i think you owe it to your marriage AND your son to really give your marriage a shot. a real chance. get brandon out of your mind, maybe you should drop ethan off with billy with you, so there is no chance you two can talk about things...whatever it is you need to just really focus on billy and try. and you never know, maybe billy also doesn't wanna come home at night cus he's not comfortable anymore staying with your parents. i really think he may feel like he's constantly being watched to see if he's going to jump ship on you. and thats a lot of pressure, and we all know how fragile billy can be. maybe you two should consider renting a place, be a family, see how it really can be. cus just giving up while living with your folks, isn't really trying. cus it's not real life. i really feel that he's in it for the long run with you, he had many chances to be gone and he's not. and you do love him. i think you really ought to consider moving into someplace you can afford, whatever city it's in, just do it and really give it a shot alone, the 3 of you. that will give you the clearest picture of how your life will be with billy. and if you're really into it, which i suspect you are, you should really consider a counselor to help you weed thru it all and come out stronger on the other side. the grass truly always looks greener on the other side...but in the case of a marriage, and a baby, i would hesitate greatly before hopping that fence.
ReplyDeletesorry, forgot something...i worry about brandon because he is in a committed relationship right now yet he's willing to talk with you and make things work with you, how can you know that he wont up and do that to you and ethan. that worries me. and you knew how billy was before you married him, so try to think about what about those qualities drew you to him in the first place...because you loved him for those reasons...
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